Perfectionism and people pleasing isn’t a character flaw - it’s a symptom of colonialism

Take a deep exhale.

I’m here to let you know that the need you feel to please everybody, be well-liked, seen as good, morally upstanding, nice, beautiful and someone who makes everyone else happy…

may not just be a symptom of neurodiversity, a personal character flaw, being a virgo, or a result of your childhood trauma - though all of these can certainly play a role.

It is a symptom of colonialism which introduced us to patriarchy- the belief that men are superior to women and any other gender. In order for folks socialized as women (and all who are not cisgender men) to be semi-respected in a patriarchal society, there are impossible standards to be met.

Women are constantly sent the following messages:

Smile. Be polite and agreeable. Look beautiful. Be thin, but not too thin. Real women have curves, but only in the right places and no cellulite or body rolls! Wear high heels, even if your feet are killing you. Turn us on and wear something to please the male gaze, but don’t be promiscuous. Wear toxic, pore-clogging makeup but don’t get any blemishes on your face. Keep up with fashion trends and ever-changing beauty standards, even though your salary is likely lower than most men’s and the cost of your clothing, accessories and personal care items are higher. See: pink tax.

Be grateful, even when you’re earning 80 cents on the dollar that a man is earning for doing the same job (which he’s probably less qualified for but boldly applied for anyway) or even less if you’re Indigenous and/or a woman of colour. Nobody likes a “Debbie downer” - focus on the positive things in life. Don’t meltdown in public, don’t let anybody see you sweat, control your emotions and don’t rock the boat or cause a scene.

Women who have dared to stray from being “nice” which is different by the way than being kind as is so well explained in the book White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How To Do Better are quickly cast as angry, aggressive, and unladylike - especially if they are Indigenous and/or women of colour.

It’s no wonder the need to be liked and please everybody is so deeply ingrained in us and incredibly difficult to unlearn. This is the biggest struggle my Decolonized Coach Community members have (none of whom are cisgender men) when they begin working with me on decolonizing their business.

Why does this struggle come up? Because decolonizing your life and business requires going against everything we’ve been taught since the day we were born. It requires challenging and unlearning the status quo. It requires speaking up instead of being “polite” AKA silent when we see racism, injustice, and in moments such as a cousin making an ableist or homophobic joke at thanksgiving dinner.

If you speak up, you’re somehow the problem - you ruined their fun and you made things awkward. But you know what? Congratulations - you’ve just done the kind thing versus the nice thing. You’re on the journey of decolonizing and your ripple effect matters!

Being “nice” = smiling, nodding, not questioning racist/sexist/ableist/homophobic behaviour and allowing the status quo to be upheld

Being kind = doing the right thing, even if it’s uncomfortable

Thank you again to Regina Jackson and Saira Rao, authors of “White Women” for this distinction.

Take a deep breath again because this is a life-long journey of unlearning.

I am personally certainly not perfect at it but we are here to deconstruct perfectionism because it actually doesn’t exist. It was and is impossibly imposed on us by men who decided that the white, Christian, able-bodied, heterosexual, cisgender man’s way of life was superior to all else. And this idealogy (which was and is imposed on us every day in overt and covert ways) didn’t exist before colonization and theft and disruption of Indigenous lands, cultures and ways of life.

As an Indigenous woman, a descendant of both Mohawk and Algonquin peoples I am slowly and little-by-little reclaiming Indigenous ways of being and this includes unlearning perfectionism. Did you know that in many Indigenous cultures when we create blankets or beadwork, one bead or stitch is purposely done in the wrong colour or size to remind us that life and nature itself isn’t perfect? And how beautiful is that?

But the people-pleasing tendencies are very real for me and even though I’ve been on a personal reclamation and decolonization journey for over two years now, this one seems the hardest for me to unlearn.

Just the other week I was reading through a feedback form that I sent out for my signature program, The Decolonized Coach Community. This is a process I recommend all my coaches/leaders/space holders practice because it shows your community that their voice matters - especially when you listen to and implement their feedback without your ego getting in the way. It takes yourself off the pedestal and removes the colonial “I know best” authoritarian approach. But at first - my ego got in the way. While >90% of the feedback was super positive, some of it was not. One person was quite unhappy and this really triggered my ego.

I got emotional and started listing off my defence in my head. “That only happened twice in two years” and “this person is being unreasonable” were some of the thoughts that came up. But after sitting in the emotion for a bit, a friend reminded me to send love to the parts of me that are feeling tender as I receive this feedback. As I did that, I realized this people-pleaser part of me is still oh-so-present. And that’s okay. I give myself grace because being liked by everyone and pleasing everyone else all the time is what we are taught that we need to do as women.

I give myself grace and I give the community members grace because we are all only seeing the world from our own lens and perspective. Now, it’s my job as the leader of a community to take in all of the feedback, good and bad (and not let the bad overshadow the good as another friend reminded me) and honestly assess where things can be improved with time and resources. Some of the feedback received won’t be able to be implemented until I have more time and resources (money and support staff) and that’s okay. Something I talk a lot about is “turtle medicine” - the idea that slow and steady wins the race.

The need to hustle/move faster/do more/be more is another piece of colonialism and capitalism that I’ve unlearned as a business owner and let me tell you - turtle medicine feels amazing on my nervous system. That’s probably because it’s how we as humans were truly meant to operate - in flow with our own inner seasons and the seasons of life, not in a constant state of hustle.

One more time - let’s take a final deep breath and a long exhale.

There’s no such thing as perfect, and you will never please everyone. In fact, the more you embrace your authentic self and truth and the more impact you create, the more likely you are to have folks who don’t agree with you or frankly don’t like you or your work. And I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay. If pleasing everyone (which isn’t possible anyway) will cost you your authenticity and your joy, then the cost is far too high.

Sending care and peace,

🍓 Emily